“The Greatest Love of All”
It was Whitney Houston, and George Benson before her, who immortalised the sentiment ‘I believe that children are our future’ in the song ‘The Greatest love of All’. Whilst this is undoubtedly a true and accurate statement, ask any Psychotherapist and they will tell you that not only are children our future, but they are also our past and present.
But what is this ‘child’ that therapists talk about?
Simply put, it is everything that happened to us in childhood which formed our world view, and in turn the way we react to stimulus in accordance with our world view. The child that experienced all of this, and made the decisions on how best to survive is still very much present in the here and now.
Try and think back to the last time you got frustrated….really frustrated, uncontrollably so. Perhaps you shouted, perhaps you stormed out of the room, whatever your reaction, I can guarantee that looking back you wouldn’t describe it as rational.
Again, think back to the last time you felt despondent….hopeless, utterly lost. Maybe you cried, maybe you hid, maybe you blamed the world. Again, I can guarantee that looking back, you wouldn’t describe the reaction as appropriate.
Finally, think of a time when you were in love, madly in love…infatuated. You may have pined, you may have sacked off work to see your belle or beau, nothing felt complete without them. Once more, looking back, I don’t think you’d describe this as logical.
THIS is the child that therapists talk about, coming to the fore, and the truth is that this child, the result of all our past experience, is in control of all our big feelings in the here and now. We carry it around with us and sometimes it steals the show. It gets us in trouble and leaves us feeling hopeless, but it also lets us love, laugh and be silly. The child inside us is crucial to our emotional wellbeing, and like any child, it needs looking after.
In the previous examples, can you identify how old you felt in the moment of storming out, blaming the world or deciding to pull a sickie? Now picture yourself at that age… what are you wearing? How are you standing? Do you have a prop? What was your hair and skin like? What was going on for that child at the time and how is this feeling being brought back in the here and now? What is making them angry, what is making them sad? What is making them laugh and smile?
If you feel this part of you is going through trouble, offer them a strong, safe and capable hand. If they have an unmet need, meet it with all the love and power and wisdom that you have in the here and now. If they need comfort, give it to them in abundance with confidence and protection. If they are feeling loved and complete and free, go on the journey with them. It is never too late to give our inner child what it might have missed out on in our childhood, but it is also never too late to play.
Over time, through practice and with the right therapy, we can integrate this method of self regulation to become a seamless part of present day life. This not only helps us react better to difficult situations and achieve positive outcomes, but it also enables us to let our hair down when appropriate and be truly congruent and authentic. The world doesn’t have to be scary for our inner child, they have you, in all your power to look after them, to teach them, guide them and love them.
Listening to the song, you can’t help but feel in her voice the love, power, protection and pride that Whitney and George are directing to what I believe to be their respective inner children. We all have the passion and the strength to deliver such a message to ourselves, and even if this is not immediately available, we CAN find it… we just need to be shown how. Only once we can truly love our inner child, unwaveringly and unconditionally, can we be free to fully and unconditionally love anyone else.
Learning to love yourself opens up the doors to living autonomously from the past, making it truly the greatest love of all.
